Managing Your Anger When Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful
Saturday, February 2nd, 2008Managing your anger when your spouse has been unfaithful can seem impossible. You are stunned, hurt, and suddenly faced with a future of unknowns.
The pain and hurt are further exacerbated if your spouse has left you for another person, and if you are faced with seeing your spouse with this other person regularly. You probably want to move to the other side of the country, or more likely buy them both one way tickets to Siberia. The last thing you want to do is work out a divorce agreement, and you vow that you will make your spouse pay for what he or she has done to you. But is this the best way to handle things? Is a big legal battle really what you want? How will it make things better for you?
When you are angry, it is hard to look past that anger and see the consequences of your actions. Your first ideas may be centered around hiring a powerful lawyer and working to hold on to the majority of the marital assets, or if you have children, then going for full custody of the kids. You may feel that he or she ‘deserves’ to lose, as you have done nothing wrong and you wouldn’t be divorcing but for their actions.
It is important when you have these feelings to think of what losing and winning really mean. Powerful lawyers always come with an equally powerful price tag, so the harder you fight to obtain marital assets means you will be paying significant fees to your lawyers. If you have a modest to average income, this could create a financial crisis for you even if you win. It is not uncommon for a spurned spouse to fight tooth and nail for the marital home, only to find that it needs to be sold in order to cover the cost of the lawyer’s fees. This doesn’t end up benefiting anyone, and it is a high price to pay for anger.
Your anger can also make you want to sabotage your spouse’s relationship with your children. You may feel justified in that he or she did something to harm the family, or that your spouse doesn’t deserve the children anymore because of what he did to you. These are legitimate feelings, and understandable based on what has happened. Yet, take the time to realize that you are not just hurting your spouse with your negative words or obstacles in allowing visits, you
are deeply hurting your children as well. Children love their parents unconditionally, and they do not understand the adult issues that contribute to infidelity or divorce. They desperately need the love of both parents. If nothing else, they are worth finding ways managing your anger through your divorce.
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